If only I was a White Young Adult Male with a guitar

It's clear that unless you are a white young adult male distressed about love, you will never make it in the folk/folky pop music business.

It's bull.

What do we mean when we say "stronger?" Part 1

As I was driving from West Virginia yesterday, I was suffering from sciatica because of sitting for nearly 8 hours straight. During my new regular weekly workout, I have been focusing on strengthening my hips, legs and lower back to try and remedy the problem that is causing me to not sleep through the night. During one particular workout recently, I was remembering chanting... saying to myself, "I am getting stronger every day." I used this as an affirmation. Deep from within, a notion swelled in me.

What does "stronger" really mean?

Strong is a word to describe something being less penitrable? How does that relate to me? I looked up strong in the dictionary and found it to be, not enlightening:

strong
adj. strong·er, strong·est

1. 1. Physically powerful; capable of exerting great physical force.
   2. Marked by great physical power: a strong blow to the head.
2. In good or sound health; robust: a strong constitution; a strong heart.
3. Economically or financially sound or thriving: a strong economy.
4. Having force of character, will, morality, or intelligence: a strong personality.
5. Having or showing ability or achievement in a specified field: students who are strong in chemistry.
6. Capable of the effective exercise of authority: a strong leader.
7. 1. Capable of withstanding force or wear; solid, tough, or firm: a strong building; a strong fabric.
   2. Having great binding strength: a strong adhesive.
8. Not easily captured or defeated: a strong flank; a strong defense.
9. Not easily upset; resistant to harmful or unpleasant influences: strong nerves; a strong stomach.
10. Having force or rapidity of motion: a strong current.
11. 1. Persuasive, effective, and cogent: a strong argument.
    2. Forceful and pointed; emphatic: a strong statement.
    3. Forthright and explicit, often offensively so: strong language.
12. Extreme; drastic: had to resort to strong measures.
13. Having force of conviction or feeling; uncompromising: strong faith; a strong supporter.
14. Intense in degree or quality: a strong emotion; strong motivation.
15. 1. Having an intense or offensive effect on the senses: strong light; strong vinegar; strong cologne.
    2. Clear and loud: a strong voice.
    3. Readily noticeable; remarkable: a strong resemblance; a strong contrast.
    4. Readily detected or received: a strong radio signal.
16. 1. Having a high concentration of an essential or active ingredient: mixed a strong solution of bleach and water.
    2. Containing a considerable percentage of alcohol: strong punch.
    3. Powerfully effective: a strong painkiller.
17. Characterized by a high degree of saturation.
18. Having a specified number of units or members: a military force 100,000 strong.
19. Marked by steady or rising prices: a strong market.
20. Linguistics.
    1. Of or relating to those verbs in Germanic languages that form their past tense by a change in stem vowel, and their past participles by a change in stem vowel and sometimes by adding the suffix -(e)n, as sing, sang, sung or tear, tore, torn.
    2. Of or relating to the inflection of nouns or adjectives in Germanic languages with endings that historically did not contain a suffix with an n.
21. Stressed or accented in pronunciation or poetic meter. Used of a word or syllable.

So if I am stronger am I more powerful? Am I healthier? Am I more clear thinking? Does being stronger allow me to have an advantage over others? In what ways? If I am stronger in my faith does that mean I beleive more? Can you believe less? you either believe or not, right?

Stronger seems to be a word that describes syran wrap and laundry detergent, odors and armys, appearances and emotions.

But in an etherial sense, how do we know if we want to be stronger, or can get stronger? Why would we want that in the first place. This indicates a that we are not made the way we are.

I would encourage feedback about the concept of being "stronger." There is a second part to this...

My Day As Defined By a Column in my Planner

I find it apalling, really, that when I wake up in the morning and "visualize" my day ahead, what appears first thing in my mind is not a scene of my office, or the beautiful trees on my drive to work, or the women with whom I sing on Monday evenings, but this photograph of a series of lines with times next to them running down a page. I see my scribbles and circles contained within these lines. In fact, it's an exact image of a column in my day planner.

It's difficult to accept that my life has been narrowed down to this.

When I was a kid, part of what made the weekends fun was imagining playing with my friends and singing songs. I would see myself roller skating with my neighbors, or riding bikes to Vans Market for lemon heads and bubble-gum, the feeling of warm quarters and dimes in my hands. I would think of the face of a friend, the sound of a voice. I would cringe as my mom would yell for the laundry to be taken downstairs or a new roll of toilet paper to be put on the roller. I looked forward to laughing with friends at school, or seeing a cute boy in class or in the hall. I could see my dad asking what I wanted for lunch and remember this question throwing me off momentarily until I could visualize my dad's fresh baked bread with peanut butter and honey on it.

Any more however, this is what I imagine:

8:30___________________
9:00___Directors Meeting___
9:30___________________
10:00__________________
10:30__________________
11:00__Kendall and Rich____
11:30__________________
12:00___Brett___________
12:30__________________
1:00___Ph: High Rocks_____
1:30__call Susan R________
2:00_Ask Shelly WS_______
2:30__Ph: Urban AC_______
3:00 ___Fellows?_________
3:30___________________
4:00__Report____________
4:30___________________
5:00____WO____________
5:30___________________
6:00___Calliope__________
6:30___________________
7:00___________________
7:30___________________
8:00___________________
8:30___________________

What does this mean? How have I loved people well by thinking about THIS first thing in the morning? Can I truly assess the success of a day by whether or not I have done these things? Checked them off? It seems wrong.

What's even harder for me to imagine is that, as I age and my memory begins to fade, the image of my father crying at a movie that we watched on the couch of our house in Worthington, Ohio might be taken up by the image of a column in my planner on October 5, 2004? The brain, though a fascinating and complex organ with a great deal of "holding capacity," still has its limits. I even try to regulary 'exercise' my brain by doing crossword puzzles, by learning new songs, and by reading poetry to memorize. I just don't know if it is helping.

I also don't want my life to be defined by what is 'between the lines,' so to speak-at least not in this capacity. I don't want my insights into 'what I have done with my life,' to look like 8:30__Community meeting__. Frankly, it begins to seem surreal.

So maybe it's not as bad as I am making it out to be. Maybe the neurons that make the memories about the smell of a loved one are different or connect in a different way from the ones that create the image of my day planner. Maybe I should not lose all hope...yet.

I have a desparate side, however. The side of me that raises the red flags to warn of impending doom. Or at least, that something is not cool. I want to know that hiking in the woods can never be written down in a column. That the moments I spend in quiet conversation with my lover can never be 'scheduled.'

So...here is a promise to myself, and to my family, friends, loved ones, aquaintences, etc.:

Even though your name may appear in a column of my day planner, it does not reflect the time that I do or do not think of you. I promise that flashes of memories and events to come appear before me at odd moments. In fact, there are 500 million billion little moments that my day planner can't possibly capture that involve loving, seeing and being with the people that I know. There is no way that I can write them all down. But they are there. And should we talk soon, I will tell you about the wonderful things that I think about that are not in my day planner.

And this will be just one way I share my love for the world.